1 Tacos

Just a 2:52 poem

I haven’t had them for months
But they hurt
They stab at you
Make you bleed
Make you feel
Things you never thought possible
Miserable, horrible, beautiful, terrific, mesmerising, ruining things

Things you’ll feel tomorrow
Like a hangover
Like an addiction
I’ve put myself away
Locked myself up
In hopes that no one would search for the key
And still no one has
My wishes are met
But from time to time
People admire the box
They go looking for that thrown away key
Abandoned somewhere
Only the owner knows
But no one would know
It’s hidden deep within my heart
And that’s why no soul will ever find it

I have stopped
I have stopped the bleeding
I have stopped the beating
I have stopped the pain
Because it’s always there
It’s now a numbness
A dull

There are moments when it all comes rushing in
So much
So much to the point that I’m dying
Who knew someone already dead could die again?

Don’t make me feel again
Because you would be fulfilling my worst nightmare
Because feeling is worse than
Telling myself not to

I don’t want to feel
I don’t want to love
I just hate
I just hurt
I just sit here
With My feelings
All in one generated area
Shut up, shut off and subdued

It’s the end of the world
I can’t breathe
Let alone think
I can’t speak
I can’t move
I just sit
My brain killing me slowly
The pain maturing

I can’t breathe
I’m choking
On the thought of letting my own life
Control me

When I am out of control
I am at my worst

Leave me alone
Please don’t care
Don’t make an effort
I like to be hurt more than I like affection

Anything destructive
Feels amazing

I want to be perfect
Skin and bones
The sharp edges of my self image cutting into my brain cells
Eats me alive

Forcing me to vomit up my toxic thoughts
Only to maintain a pretty outside

Please don’t talk to me
Please leave me alone
Because I’ll only hurt you

I can get over it
But you can’t

And once I feel
I feel everything

You don’t want someone messed up
Because I am the definition
I am the opposition of myself
I am a Paradox

I will love you so much you’ll hurt
But I will fall away with so much effort
You will think I’m dead

I want love and I want lust
I want to fuck
And I want to taste
I want to touch
And I want too much

But I want love
I want effort
And pain
And tears
And sweat
And I want you to love me so much
I won’t know what the fuck to do with myself

But I hate affection
And how could you like someone so strange
So foreign
So unfeeling
So awkward
So tasteless

I want to feel your hands on my waist
And your lips on my neck
And you telling me over and over again
That it’s going to be okay
Even if it’s not
Even thought it’s not
Even though I’m not

I want you to watch me
I want you to want me
I want you to be with me every second

Even when I am on the floor heaving
And it’s 12 am
And I try to drive my car
Away from you
Away from it all
Even when I’m coughing violently
Choking on my own destiny
Even when I’m telling myself I’m worth nothing
And I can’t live another day
Even when my abuse becomes so strong
I almost subdue all of my senses
Even when there’s blood running down my arm instead of in my veins
Even when I tell you I hate you
And I really don’t mean it

I’m just terrified of love
Of feeling anything
Of putting anyone through dealing with something as horrifying as me

Who knew that I would be this sad?
This solemn?
Who knew that I would be all of these things wrapped into one
And who knew I would have to tell myself to stop feeling in order to be what you would call okay?

It’s 3 am and all I can think is
That I want to hold someone’s hand
Whether I care or not
Whether I’m a living robot or not
Whether I have insomnia because
I don’t know how to properly live
Or breathe

Whether or not I’m so weak
Because I’m too scared to expose myself
Too scared to be naked
Too scared of myself
To help myself out enough
To say that it’s okay to not be skinny
That it’s okay to not be perfect
That it’s okay to not be famous
That it’s okay to be so fucked up

But how can I tell myself these things when my 2 am thoughts are full to the brim
And they spill over onto my facade
And cascade over my body

Thank god no one is here to see.
Thank god no one is in love with me.